Dhampir
02-06-2004, 09:55 PM
From: The Onion
By: Lloyd Schmner Sr. Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B.-Certified Astrologer
Aries: This week, the process of gradual and minimal change in your life will begin, so be ready to accept entirely new placements of furniture.
Taurus: Your self-image takes yet another blow when Pam Grier farms your ass-kicking out to a tired-looking bottle blond.
Gemini: For the second time in a century, you will find yourself emotionally and artistically unprepared for an outbreak of Big Band Fever.
Cancer: Valentine's Day is once again almost upon you, and once again, it doesn't mean anything at all.
Leo: Be open to suggestions, as this week marks the start of a new era of freedom and risk-taking for Leo. Now, mail us your pants.
Virgo: It's generally agreed that eyewitnesses aren't always reliable, but everyone swears that they saw you whispering to the cattle moments before the stampede.
Libra: After a long review of the issues and the canidates' positions on them, you're pretty sure you won't vote this time, either.
Scorpio: They'll say that you're finally free, that you're no longer in pain, and that you're in a better place, but you'll know what the wishy-washy pricks really mean.
Sagittarius: If your controversial calculations are correct, Eddie was almost 30 when they recorded "Hot For Teacher".
Capricorn: You're not one to blindly do what others suggest, but you can't think of a good reason not to go fuck yourself.
Aquarius: You're tempting fate if you keep mentioning that you're only got two weeks before your retirement from the CHicken Shack.
Pisces: Most people are either part of the solution or part of the problem, but you're on of the red herrings thrown into the answer set to mislead test-takers.
By: Lloyd Schmner Sr. Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B.-Certified Astrologer
Aries: This week, the process of gradual and minimal change in your life will begin, so be ready to accept entirely new placements of furniture.
Taurus: Your self-image takes yet another blow when Pam Grier farms your ass-kicking out to a tired-looking bottle blond.
Gemini: For the second time in a century, you will find yourself emotionally and artistically unprepared for an outbreak of Big Band Fever.
Cancer: Valentine's Day is once again almost upon you, and once again, it doesn't mean anything at all.
Leo: Be open to suggestions, as this week marks the start of a new era of freedom and risk-taking for Leo. Now, mail us your pants.
Virgo: It's generally agreed that eyewitnesses aren't always reliable, but everyone swears that they saw you whispering to the cattle moments before the stampede.
Libra: After a long review of the issues and the canidates' positions on them, you're pretty sure you won't vote this time, either.
Scorpio: They'll say that you're finally free, that you're no longer in pain, and that you're in a better place, but you'll know what the wishy-washy pricks really mean.
Sagittarius: If your controversial calculations are correct, Eddie was almost 30 when they recorded "Hot For Teacher".
Capricorn: You're not one to blindly do what others suggest, but you can't think of a good reason not to go fuck yourself.
Aquarius: You're tempting fate if you keep mentioning that you're only got two weeks before your retirement from the CHicken Shack.
Pisces: Most people are either part of the solution or part of the problem, but you're on of the red herrings thrown into the answer set to mislead test-takers.